I just shot a wedding last weekend! It was amazing! And wow... after editing, I have about 800 pictures to give the bride and groom. I wanted to record every moment It was a beautiful ceremony, and so much fun - from the ride up with the metal-blasting groom & friends to the floating cow by the highway to the hotel right by the beach (where we all got soaked when a wave came up while I was trying to adjust positions) to the gorgeous ceremony itself to the dance afterwards, which included a 50th-anniversary couple, an assortment of every kind of music from country to hardcore, a Mountain-Dew-addicted best man, a budding-photographer flower girl, and a tiny ringbearer who seemed absolutely in love with another of the little flower girls. It was awesome! The lighting wasn't the greatest (the rehearsal dinner and dance hall were both very dark, and the ceremony was in brightest sunlight, which cast strong shadows) but that became a fun challenge, and the people were all happy and having the times of their lives! And I got to record it all! It was incredible - one of my best photography experiences yet. I can't post the photos yet (of course not all 800, only a few) until I get them to the happy couple and ask their permission, though. But if it's okay with them, I can't wait to show them to you! It was so much fun. I hope to do another one soon! In the meantime, I have a portrait shoot coming up in a few days - woot!

In other news, I just got accepted to be an Obama Organizing Fellow! I'm so excited! I'll get to campaign around my area, help put together events, and act as a sort of liason between the community and the Obama campaign. I can't wait to start!

Hope all of you are having an amazing summer!

Ok, enough of that depressing journal on the front page. I'm feeling better now - midterms are done, the play's over, and I actually have some free time! Yay! I'm having so much fun taking pictures lately - I've done a couple more photo shoots for friends, and the recent light rain on campus makes for awesome nature shots! I'll post a few here. I can't wait for sun though! It's time for spring

For the past five nights, I’ve dreamed of failure.

I go to sleep, tired from all the things I’ve done and haven’t during the day, from three meetings, four classes, five responsibilities filled , six assignments of homework– and seven more of each waiting for the next day. And I dream, no matter what I’ve done during the day, that I’ve failed in all of them. It never comes as a surprise to me – that’s what’s strange. During the day, I strive to be better, to shape the world better, to appreciate and contribute to the betterness of our world. I like to believe I have an internal locus of control – I’m optimistic, I believe I can change my destiny, things aren’t determined by fate. I have the power to shape my future. But then, at night, I go to sleep, and I’m completely unsurprised that I have failed.

It’s never something small I fail at, either – at least not in my eyes. In last night's dream, it was the welfare of a child – I was in charge of her, I was helping her mother pick out books from a bookstore that I thought she’d like – and I dreamed somehow I neglected something and let some weird parasite get hold of her, infect her. In the dream, I had taken it for a cute pet, and let her play with it. I remember feeling devastated, I remember trying everything I could to help, get it out, help the parents and her – but at the same time, I wasn’t angry, that despite all I did, something that bad had happened– I accepted that that kind of thing would happen, that I would never have been good enough to keep disaster away. I was almost relieved when it did happen – because then I didn’t have to wait for it anymore.

These dreams surprise me, unsettle me, when I’m out of them. Like the dream the other night, where I dreamed I discovered that I had failed all of my classes. I was talking to my professors, and they were explaining to me why – “you just didn’t try enough, take it seriously enough. Your work wasn’t quality.” I can suspect why I had that one – I played a video game last night, one that I’ve thought people shouldn't spend all their time playing. Instead of writing a paper due next Monday (last night was Tuesday), I spent time goofing off playing it. I felt guilty, afterwards – and that probably seeped into my dreams. But still – I know I do quality work. I try to, I refine, I edit, think through. I always know I haven’t done all I could – but I do what I can at the time, while still leaving time for balance, for the rest of my classes and life. But here, that doomed me – and I accepted it, because I believed them, because they were confirming for me what I tell myself. And there was a sense of relief in it – that it was over, that I didn’t have to strive anymore. A kind of death, without dying. But I want to live - what's up with these then?

These dreams haunt me in my waking life. In the shower after I wake up, in class, at work afterwards when my mind drifts off. They make me tired, weigh down my shoulders like pregnant clouds. Yet I welcome sleep, dive into it when I have a free hour and I can gamble my guilt at being unproductive over the bliss of snuggling warm under covers. Why? It seems as my dreams get worse, I want to sleep even more. And I’m tired when I wake up – is sleep like a drug? It wasn’t, for me, before.

If I dreamed of success, I decide, I’d be much more energized. After all, that’s proved true before – when I have a good dream, it infuses the rest of my day in an aura-like warmth, a rose light. My day is the fulfillment, the dream’s promises in the process of coming true. But with these dreams – I feel isolated, even with people, cubed off from the rest of the world in some drifting ice-floe – and above all, lost. How is it that my dreams can influence me so much? I can’t control them – or can I?
And now, with these dreams above my head, I wonder – am I just waiting to fail? Am I treadmilling towards exhaustion? My waking life, when I’ve had enough dreamless sleep, shouts no! I’m searching towards success, fulfillment. I have so many good things in life – a wealth of good experiences and people surround me, more than maybe any other time in my life. Yet I have these dreams.

In Shakespeare, Hamlet says “O God, I could be bounded in a nutshell, and count myself a king of infinite space – were it not that I have bad dreams.”
Lately, I can relate.

I'm excited! I've had an awesome weekend. Let me start from the end piece - I went to the Corcoran and saw the Annie Leibowitz exhibit the hour before it closed! Annie Leibowitz, if you're not familiar with her work (I wasn't, though I had seen some of her pictures - just didn't connect them with the name) has been a brilliant photographer for the last 60 years or so, photographing all kinds of people, from world-famous celebrities to her partner's baby daughters. From the streets and basements of Sarajevo to the heat-shimmered peaks of the American west to the back porch of her parents' home, Liebowitz roamed the world to create unequaled images with intimacy, passion, and her signature appreciation of unique beauty. She's the one who took that picture of Demi Moore's pregnant stomach, her husband's hands encircling her middle like a heart - and that picture of Baryshnikov, poised taut and agile in a leap from his companion's hands. She also created images of Queen Elizabeth II, the last few US presidents, Chris Rock, Uma Thurman, and countless others, all amazing works - but some of the best and most striking were her portraits of family. She showed them in their bathing suits, in their nightgowns, tossing a laughing child into the air or leaning over to wedge a dish into the dishwasher, wearing age as a wreath of wisdom or sparkling in laurels of youthful ebullience. The pictures, formal or informal, all possess a unique sense of moment, personality, and story, describing at once the busy-ness or calm of an hour and the resilience and good humor of a lifetime. And even the most informal, a family sprawled in their pajamas in a messy house, a man caught surprised, with circles under his eyes, or a tired woman, frazzled with heat, rubbing her eyes in a map-strewn car, are far from snapshots - they're compositions, envisioned, experienced, and extracted in the space of a second. An absolutely incredible photographer! I've never seen images like hers. I want to emulate her spirit! Her work is incredible.

But before I went and saw that gallery, which was amazing, I had an equally awesome time at the mall yesterday with my friends! I got to see two friends from high school that I hadn't seen in what seemed like forever. Being with them was even more fun now then it was in high school! Of course, being out of that physics class we had definitely served to make things a lot better... We went to lunch at TGIF's, where we had a fun waiter who took it as his personal mission to make every trip around his tables a juggling act - carrying cups on top of each other, trays on his head, and multiple plates on each arm, all while making constant conversation - the guy was amazing! He made everything he was doing an art - and had fun doing it! We loved it. After the food, we went to the mall and a bunch of stores around - I didn't spend too much, which was good, but we did a lot of looking and trying on and pronouncing articles "so cute on you" or "not the right color." Then we went and got ice cream The best way to end a day.

Before that, took me to Red Hot and Blue for dinner! It was our first dinner date in a while, so I was excited - and it was great! Granted, there's not much at a barbeque place for a vegetarian, but I had potatoes, we both had huge pitchers of soda, and the atmosphere of the place was awesome! Photographs of passionate artists, snapped at the peak of a crescendo of emotion, filled the walls, along with tons of old show posters from blues classicists like BB King, etc. We talked about music half the time! I need to listen to more blues/jazz... I really haven't heard that much at all. It looks so amazing, though - I love music that is passionate, feeling, strong, remplis d'un vin rebelle. Like a lot of musicals, or French singers - or blues singers. So I need to hear more. Any reccommendations?

And before that, I got my birthday present! For my birthday in a few days (the 23rd), my mom gave me my present early - a gift card for The Book Rack, a great independent book store! I found so many books I can't wait to read - The Dante Club, which I started already, a language book on Japanese, which I want to learn, a couple humor books, some lit crit on Shakespeare, and a book on pasta with a recipe that I want to make tomorrow - Siciliana rigatoni. It looks awesome. They're so much fun!

I finished the French poetry book I'd been reading, on Friday - and wow, it was incredible! The authors are wonderful - but I liked some a lot better than others. I love Hugo's poetry - after reading Les Mis, why didn't I think to see if he had written any poetry? He did - and it's great. I love Chenier, too... his "Quand Le Mouton..." is a moving picture of the French Revolution from the view of one caught up in its turbulence. But I can't stand Ronsard's romance pastorals - he starts out one poem describing the beauty of a flower he picked for his love. Great start, right? But then he goes to ruin it by pontificating on the inevitability of aging and changing appearance, admonishing the courted one that she must succumb to his advances, just because her beauty will fade eventually and then she supposedly won't have as much chance for love. That's a reason to be with that guy? I'd want to run the other way. What a pickup line - "Go out with me before you get old, because then you'll have less suitors." So why pick him? The pastoral crush stuff is just not my style, I guess - I like Cervantes' parodies of it in Don Quijote, but that's about all. Supervielle is a great poet too - his work was beautiful. One thing I realized though, reading that book - I need to take more French classes. I'm learning what I can on my own, but I'm not at the level of philosophical thought yet - I saw "que le ciel" and thought "that the sky?" while the poet was meaning "may the heavens." I'm not anywhere near there yet - but now I have a goal to work on! When I can understand French poetry by itself, without any translation - that's when I'll be able to effectively translate songs. As of now, I can try - but I need to get better versed in it before I can give the work the credit it is due. But for now - I like having the translations side by side. I can work on the French - but I can puzzle over it in English as well as French, which works better sometimes for my brain. Ooo! Villon is another good one. A thief-poet - if he was in a computer fantasy game, he'd definitely play a rogue. His work is awesome.

So yay! This weekend I've had the chance to blissfully admire multiple writers and multiple artists, as well as hang out with my boyfriend and friends. I love winter break!

I got tagged by - an awesome friend from fanfiction.com!

Hey! You are tagged!
The rules :
1. Post these rules
2. Each person tagged must post 8 random facts about themselves
3. Tags should write a journal/ blog of these facts
4. At the end of the post 8 more persons are tagged and named
5. Go to their page and leave a comment telling them they're tagged

My 8 random facts:

~ I love tea. Love. And I will probably offer it to you at least three times if you ever visit.

~ I keep pet hermit crabs. They're cute! I like strange pets.

~ My boyfriend is hilarious, and has at least ten characters he can summon up at random and channel absolutely brilliantly. He's an awesome actor.

~ My computer is completely filled up, with only three things: lots of music, lots of photos, and lots of writing.

~ I think surrealist art is endlessly inspiring.

~ I love to read classics! Shakespeare, Moliere, Wilde, Kafka, Poe, Sinclair, Plato, etc are unbelievably amazing.

~ I shed paper. Everywhere. Like Hansel and Gretel with the breadcrumbs. I don't know how it happens.

~ I tangle wires just by walking by them. Seriously. My roommates know.

I tag...